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This is one in a series of short stories made available free of change at handwritten.atspace.com.
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Without Knowing
by
Peter Thorstenson
Grand Canyon, 1995
“Why do we always feel good when we see a view like this?”
“It's not the view itself—it's the height that gives you a feeling of being on top of things.”
“On top of things? It feels like things are on top of me.”
“Take it easy. It's just a phase you're going through.”
“Just a phase? I lost my job, and my wife at the same time. It's as if God decided it's time I pay for my sins.”
“What sins?”
“I don't know, but I must have done some pretty bad things.”
“They can't be that bad since you don't remember them.”
“What else can it be? I wasn't too successful at least. Maybe I wasn't good enough?”
“You did your best. You can't do more than that.”
“Maybe I should have worked more?”
“How? Gina always said you worked too much.”
“Perhaps that was the reason? If I had been more at home, she wouldn't have had time to find someone else.”
“It would have happened sooner or later. You should be glad it happened now.”
“How can you say a thing like that?”
“Because now you can plan your future the way you want it.”
“What is there to plan without Gina?”
“How about finding a new woman? Why not a blond this time?”
“A blond? Yeah, I like blonds.”
“There you go.”
“How will I find her?”
“You can start by forgetting Gina.”
“That will be hard.”
“No, it won't. Just close your eyes and imagine the most beautiful blond there is. Then imagine how close she is to you, and how good she smells.”
David sighed. “Mm ... I works. But where do I find her?”
“You found her already. Now she will find you.”
“Just like that?”
“That's right.”
“You are making fun of me, but I wish you were right. I definitely need a blond.”
“That's more like it. Be positive.”
“I'm trying too, but it's difficult when your world has collapsed.”
“Am I not part of your world?”
“Of course you are.”
“I'm still here, so your world didn't collapse. It was just some of the rotten pillars that broke. Now, you have to substitute them.”
“But until I do, I hope you will hold. Maybe you are the only pillar I have left.”
“I don't break easy. I'll do everything to save my world. I don't want my biggest pillar to brake, do I?”
“I won't break. I'm just a little worried. How am I going to survive?”
“You'll find a new job of course. Something you really like. Wouldn't that be great?”
“Very funny. I have to take what I can get.”
“Don't you want a job you like?”
“Sure, but I don't have the luxury of choosing.”
“You are wrong—you do.”
“Please, don't ask me to dream again. My dreams are all taken by that blond.”
“Just think. Do you want to continue as a salesman?”
“If I have to.”
“And if you don't have to?”
“Then I choose not to be a salesman.”
“It's not the way it works. You have to choose what to be—not what you don't want to be.”
“To be or not to be ...”
“No, Shakespeare was wrong. The question is what to be.”
“I wish it was that easy to find a job.”
“It may not be easy, so when you find one, it has better be one you like. Tell me: What would you like to do for a living?”
“I have no idea.”
“You have to find out. How can you do anything without knowing what to do?”
“And how do I find out that—I can't try everything?”
“No, you can't. There's another way.”
“I know. I take my magic wand and say abracadabra.”
“That's right. How did you know that?”
“I give up.”
“No, you don't. You see, to give up may be easy, but it makes things difficult.”
“And if I don't give up, will things get easier?”
“They will. That's the secret.”
“OK then, tell me where I can find the wand.”
“You don't need to find it-it will find you.”
“I'm sorry, Nick. I know you want the best for me, but don't you think I'm a bit too old for fairy tales?”
“Of course you don't believe me. It's natural.”
“Then why are you telling me these things?”
“Because I want to help you.”
“Well, it's nice of you to cheer me up.”
“That was not the purpose, but you will see that soon.”
“You are my best friend, but sometimes I don't understand you.”
“You don't understand yourself either.”
“Yeah, you are right. You seem to know me better than I do myself.”
“Don't be silly. It's just that I have passed through difficult periods too. I know what it's like, and I know that you get out of them eventually.”
“Using a wand?”
“Don't you like wands? You will change your mind, because your wand is very special. You will see for yourself.”
“When?” David turned around as he heard the sound of an engine. “I thought you said this was a peaceful place. Who is that?”
“Probably someone who wants some peace just like us.”
“Well, it's time to leave anyway—it's a long ride back.”
“We've just arrived. Take it easy.”
“Look at that. He's going to park here of all places.”
“Calm down, David. It's not a big deal.”
“Well, what do you know—it's a woman. It had to be.”
The woman swung her long dark hair as she closed the door to the car. “Hi, there. I'm sorry to intrude like this, but I wonder if you can help me?”
“Help? Sure, why not?”
“Oh ... David, is it you?”
“I'm sorry. Do I know you?”
“Don't you remember me?”
“No, should I?”
“Of course, we went to school together.”
“Did we?”
“Sure, I helped you that time when your broke your leg.”
“I did break my leg, but ...”
“That's all right. No one remembers me. Sometimes I wonder if I was invisible.”
“Well, you sure are visible now.”
“Thank you. Oh, I forgot. I'm Erica.”
David held out his hand. “Pleased to meet you again, although I don't know who you are. This is embarrassing.”
“Don't worry about it.”
“The least I can do is to help you now that you need help.”
“How kind of you. I hope your friend doesn't mind if I borrow you for a few minutes.” She glanced at Nick.
“No, not at all. Go ahead you two. I happen to have a good book in the car.”
“OK then. What can I do to help you?”
“Come with me. You have to see for yourself.” She opened the car. “Jump in!”
“Where are we going?”
“Not far from here.”
“What is it that is not far from here?”
“Where we are going.”
“And where is that?”
“Are you curious or are you worried?”
“A little of both.”
“Me too.”
“So, what is it all about?”
“I can't tell you right now.”
“Why? Are you trying to hide something?”
“Aren't we all?”
“So, what are you hiding?”
“I'll tell you after you have told me what you are hiding.”
“I'm not hiding anything.”
“Sure you are. Everybody is.”
“When I find out what, I'll tell you.”
“That's the problem. Many people doesn't know what they are hiding, and they can't find out what it is themselves. If you want, I can help you.”
“That's OK. I'm don't want to know.”
“Why not? It may be something good.”
“Or something bad. I'd rather not know.”
“What if it's something so good that it would change your life?”
“How would you know?”
“That I can't tell you.”
“Wait a minute. What is it you know?”
“Who said I know anything?”
“You did.”
“No, I only said I can't tell you how I would know.”
“Why not?”
“Because if I knew something, I'd rather hide it.”
“Why?”
“Because you don't want to find out what you are hiding, which means you can't tell me what it is.”
“Oh, I see. And you will only tell me what you're hiding after I told you.”
“That's right. So now we know where we stand.”
“And where is that?”
“You don't want me to tell you what I was going to tell you.”
“So, you do know something?”
“Of course I know something. I'm not stupid, you know.”
“I didn't say you were.”
“You seemed very surprised that I know something.”
“I was surprised, because I thought you were hiding something from me.”
“Why were you surprised? I already told you I'm hiding something, just like everybody else.”
“But I had the impression it was something else.”
“What would that be?”
“Why do you ask me—you're the one who is hiding it?”
“I just wanted to know if you knew. That's all.”
“What for?”
“I can't say.”
“Stop! What is going on here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don't know where we are going, I don't why we're going there, and I don't know what you're talking about.”
“Sounds pretty much like my old life. I didn't know where I was going or why, and I didn't understand what people were talking about either. I would have kept going the same way if it weren't for that accident.”
“What accident?”
“The one that took my husband and my son.”
“I'm sorry ...”
“Don't be. I was sorry enough for a whole lifetime. Sure, I lost everything I had lived for. No one could be more unhappy than I was. But after a month, I realized that I was feeling the same as before the accident. I had been unhappy all the time.”
“But didn't you just say that you loved your husband?”
“I did and he loved me.”
“Then, how could you be unhappy?”
“I didn't love myself. I know, it sounds egoistic, but it's not. This is what I discovered: Love yourself and you will have lots of love to give. If you don't, you won't.”
“But if you didn't have any love to give, how could you love your husband?”
“That was the problem. It was just a matter of time before our marriage would have crashed without accident.”
“But he loved you. Surly that must have meant something?”
“Oh, it did. The love you receive works like a magnet, attracting your love. If you are loved, you love back.”
“If you have any love to give, you mean?”
“That's right. And without having any, it doesn't matter how much you receive—you will never be able to love back.”
“I always thought that it was more important to give love.”
“It is—as long as you give it to yourself first. If you don't, with time you will give less love to your partner, which will attract less love from you. And so it will go on until someone has had enough. You can easily say that being unselfish is being self-destructive.”
“So, that is what happened. I didn't have a clue.”
“Your marriage?”
“Yes. It went up in smoke a few days ago.”
“It was the best thing that could have happened, believe me.”
“But if I had known, I could have done something about it.”
“You didn't know until now, and you only found out because ...”
“Because what?”
“Ops!”
“What is it you are hiding from me?”
“I almost said it.”
“Yes, so now you have to say it.”
“Only after you.”
“Are you going to start with your games again?”
“You can call it what you want.”
“I don't believe it. What is this?”
“You will find out.”
“When?”
“When you want to know what I'm hiding. Didn't I tell you?”
“You sure did. All right then, help me.”
“That's what I wanted to hear. Of course, I will help you.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“You will find out. Close your eyes.”
“As you wish.” David closed his eyes and within seconds the noise from the engine made him drift off to sleep.
Erica shook her head. It was too much for him. And, I didn't even start.
The sudden silence after the engine had stopped, woke him up, but what he saw made no sense. “Who are you?”
“I'm the girl of your dream.”
“Erica? Didn't you have dark hair?”
“I did, but this is my real one. Don't you like blonds?”
“I do, but how do you know that?”
“That is one of the things I'm hiding.”
“Don't start again. You have to tell me what this is all about?”
“OK, I will. Take a look at this.” She gave him a thick red binder.
“What is this?”
“Open it.”
“A photo album. Hm, I recognize these. They are mine.”
“That's right.”
“Where did you find it?”
“Back at your old school, in the room for lost and found.”
“What were you doing at the school?”
“I work there—I'm a teacher. I remembered how you loved to be in the dark room developing your pictures, and I remembered this album, so I took care of the it. I thought you might want it back one day.”
“Wow, thank you. How did you remember the album—I never showed it to anyone?”
“I spied on you. I saw you carrying it under your arm almost everyday.”
“Why did you spy on me?”
“I had a crush on you, but unfortunately I was invisible.”
“Sorry, I still don't remember you. I don't know what to say. ”
“It's all right.”
“So, how did you know this was my album?”
“I admired your pictures. They were very good.”
“But, I never showed my pictures to anyone.”
“I know, but that day when you broke your leg, I took care of the album for you. I spent the whole night looking in it. That was when I realized that you have gift.”
“I loved taking pictures, but ...”
“What happened?”
“There was an argument at home. I wanted a new camera, but my father didn't want to waste his money on toys, as he called it. I got disappointed and quit with photography for good. I threw away the album. Someone must have found it, I guess.”
“That was me.”
“Didn't you say you found it in the room for lost and found.”
“I did, but I also saw you throw it away. I didn't want the album to turn into garbage, so I took care of it and gave it to one of the teachers.”
“You saved the album twice, and now you are giving it back to me. How did you know that you would find me here today?”
“Nick told me.”
“Nick? Do you know each other?”
“His daughter is one of my students and she's a member of the photo club that I am leading. And ...”
“And?”
“Nick recognized you on that picture you took of yourself. You see, I used your album as an example of what you can do with a camera. I thought you wouldn't mind since you had thrown it away.”
“You mean you showed it to everybody?”
“I did. All the pictures except this one.”
“Who is that?”
“That is me.”
“Erica? We called you Wanda!”
“You recognize me!”
“Of course I remember Wanda. My magic Wanda. I found you!”
“Actually, I found you. When I heard from Nick what had happened, I knew I had to give back the album. Believe me David, this is what you where hiding.”
“I think you are right. I don't know how to thank you.”
“But I know. Take my picture, please.”
“How can I? I don't have any camera.”
“Yes, you do. Here, it's yours.”
“Mine?”
“It used to be mine, but I never knew how to handle it.”
“Me neither. It was a long time ago.”
“Of course you know. You have it in your blood. Show me what you can do. Let the artist out.”
“Well, I suppose I can try.”
“Thank you, David, I have dreamt about this since that night with the album.”
“Really? Why?”
“The album says it all. You are a wizard. You can turn a frog into a princess, if you need to.”
“There's no need to. You did that yourself.”
“I couldn't have done it alone. You made me do it.”
“Me?”
“Sure, I thought that if you can do it, I can too. Wanda and the wizards—we could make a great team, don't you think?”
“I'm afraid the wizards is not what he once was.”
“No wonder. We will have to give him back his power. All you have to do is to look through the lens.”
David switched on the camera. “Oh yes, you are right. It's coming back to me. This is my world. This is where I belong. This is what I want to do.”
“Great, you may start tomorrow.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your new job.”
“I didn't know I had a one.”
“Now you do.”
“This is a joke, of course.”
“No, but it's funny. First, you lost your job, and without knowing it, you got a new one. Then you lost your girlfriend, and without knowing it, you got a new one.”
“I had no idea I was on top of things.”
 This story is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License and copyrighted ©2005 by me, Peter Thorstenson. |